Two Sides To This Eviction

The headline is guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. "Man Tries To Evict His
Mom, Mary Kantorowski, On Her 98th Birthday" is bound to upset people. His
own brother calls him a scumbag, and his mother is kinder but of the same
general opinion.

While it is true that Mary's son Peter is trying to get her to leave the
home, it doesn't seem that financial gain is his motive. He refers
immediately to her declining health and inability to take care of herself.
Mary has refused to live with Peter or accept any sort of assisted living,
so he claims he is essentially forcing her hand so she lives somewhere that
she can get regular meals on time, and have a little supervision to make
sure she is safe. Mary's lawyer fans the flames but adds no facts to the
situation. Mary wants to live there because it is the home she shared with
her husband, which is understandable. After all, more people are
volunteering to die at home and cite comfort and familiarity as the primary
reasons. However, relying on familiarity can be more than just a fond
feeling, it can be a crutch for an older person facing dimentia or
Alzheimer's.

All I'm saying is there could be another side to this. My favorite aunt
has Alzheimer's, and since I am the last of my family I had to make some
pretty tough decisions. My aunt was a fiercely independent woman (gee, I
wonder if that runs through the family). From her early teens she had paid
her way through this world and answered to nobody. Until I stepped in,
that is. See, people were stealing her money and family heirlooms.
Technically she was giving them away, but she forgot what she had done
before they ever pulled out of the parking lot. She wasn't eating
regularly, and often thought she was in Kansas City instead of Springfield,
where she moved just a few years ago. I had to take her to court and
establish guardianship and conservatorship. Her dimentia made her a danger
to herself and others. One of the times she thought she was in Kansas
City, she was driving. I had to take her car away, and because she was in
such poor mental shape, she thought I was trying to kill her. Because she
kept trying to run away and claim abuse, we had to put her in a nursing
home to ensure her safety and mine as well. While Mary Kantorowski isn't
in that bad of shape, I do sympathize with the legal and moral obstacles of
taking care of someone who has crossed the line of needing supervision to
make sure they eat, are clean and healthy, and have access to medical care.
Sometimes that family member can look like a villain even when they are
fighting to do the right thing. And let me tell you, nearly six years
later, part of me is still exhausted and angry over that chapter in my
life. Sometimes you have to take measures like assisted living to protect
your conscience from worries of neglect, even when they resist. How would
anyone feel if a 98-year-old woman they loved fell, broke a hip or died a
slow quiet death from malnutrition? In the end we have to answer to our
conscience, and perhaps that is what is going on here. I know my aunt
called distant family begging for help, and they called me to chastise me
for interfering. Of course, they were three states away and hadn't seen
her in a decade, and were unwilling to help me deliver daily meals and
check on her, but I also notice the brother who calls Peter a scumbag
doesn't state his level of involvement. I wonder if that is an accidental
omission.

Maybe he is a jerk. Maybe he is a loving son. It's hard to tell here, but
in the end I hope this woman gets the love and attention she needs,
regardless of the measures that are necessary. And at a glance, I have to
say her son seems to want the same thing.

Also, for any readers who may be thinking of a relative in similar
circumstances, check with your state's assistance programs. From Meals on
Wheels to full time care, you have options. A third party will screen your
relative and give you an idea of what steps may be necessary, but you can
feel good that you have done your best and followed the right procedure.
Most states have a dedicated Department of Aging that oversees elder abuse
and neglect, and has legal options to help someone into assisted living.