Stopped Clock Is Right Alert

Even a stopped grandfather clock is right twice a day, and even CNBC knucklehead Dennis Kneale can prove right once in a blue moon when talking about something other than economics and moving on to something he's well versed in: people acting stupidly on television, in this case, David Letterman.

So arm yourself. Herewith a few key points for mounting the Sipowicz defense if you find yourself in salacious trouble:

--Take the hit only when you have to—but then do it immediately. In a perverse way, Letterman was lucky. The alleged extortion attempt by a CBS producer diverted the harshest part of the spotlight away from the show host and toward his accuser.

If that threat hadn’t emerged, should he bother to reveal that, long ago in the past, he had dallied with the staff? Probably not.

--Control the venue. Letterman was able to shape the news by revealing his shocker in the friendliest environment possible: in front of his own fans, on his own CBS show, after 11:30 at night. Soon we’ll see the famous pre-emptively reveal their flaws on their own Twitter accounts. (You can follow me at twitter.com/denniskneale; brace for confessions.)

--Joking about it is forbidden. But even more important: no tears. David Letterman violated this rule, but the guy is a professional. A CEO might have heard only the deafening chirp of crickets if he had tried the same punchline: that it would be embarrassing if the news got out—especially for the women.

--This last bit is cribbed from an old source of mine, the renowned Thomas S. Murphy, who put together Capital Cities/ABC and ultimately sold it to Disney. The best strategy is to avoid behavior that would lead you to need all this advice in the first place.

As Murphy always put it: Never do anything you’d be uncomfortable reading about on the front page of your local newspaper.

And from a clinical PR point of view, Kneale actually gets one right. Too bad he ruins it by equating Letterman's stupidity to the Big Dog's intern problem, but hey. He's still Dennis Kneale.

Letterman was damn smart getting out ahead of the disaster however.