Thursday, October 22, 2015

The Burning Question In Ferguson

So, I'm eager to hear from the "Christianity is under assault in America!" crowd about who is setting black churches on fire near Ferguson, Missouri.

In Missouri, a $2,000 reward is being offered for any information leading to the arrest of a suspected arsonist targeting churches in predominately black neighborhoods. Since October 8, six church fires have been set in the St. Louis area, near Ferguson, all within a three-mile radius. 
New Life Missionary Baptist Church was one of the hardest hit, with flames tearing through the entire entrance, reports CBS News' Adriana Diaz. The pastor said he believes the arsonist squirted some sort of chemical through the mail slot to help the fire spread even faster. 
"We are called today to address what is possibly the most dangerous onslaught that we've experienced in many, many years, which is an attack on God's house," said James Clark of Better Family Life. 
With a suspected arsonist still at large, church leaders in and around St. Louis urged community members to remain vigilant Tuesday. 
The New Life Missionary Baptist Church was so badly damaged, it held services outside Sunday. 
Authorities don't yet know who sparked the flames or why, but they believe the crimes are connected. In each case, an accelerant was used to light the front doors of the churches on fire. The buildings were all unoccupied at the times of the attacks. 
"There's a very alarming pattern to these fires so we don't want to get out of hand," St. Louis Fire Department Chief Dennis Jenkerson said.

And I'm betting the answers you will get from the "Christianity is under assault!" crowd is that the arsonists may be:

  • A secret army of Syrian refugee Muslims in Ferguson
  • Black Lives Matter activists
  • Obama
  • Saul Alinsky
  • A secret army of Syrian refugee Muslims who are Black Lives Matter activists
  • Obama's brownshirts in a false flag operation designed to take our flamethrowers
  • Lightning strikes, probably
  • Heatwave, who didn't have Captain Cold to keep him in line
  • Obama, pretty sure it was Obama
  • Aliens, man
  • The sun
  • COBRA, just being jerks again
  • The Illuminati
  • Evil fire elementals and/or efreeti, or other denizens of the Elemental Plane of Fire
  • Maybe Obama
  • Pyron from Darkstalkers (who is an evil alien fire elemental from the sun, see)
  • Valerie Jarrett
  • Big Boy Caprice
  • Shaggy (wasn't him, he says)
  • Can you prove Obama didn't set those fires?

What they will not answer:

So yeah, who knows.  I'm sure the cops are real eager to solve this one.

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